


The Darkest Depths

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, He'll make it through, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, TK is going through a hard time, but he isn't alone, fire rescue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24311389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: A visit from his mom is meant to be harmless, but instead it sends TK into a tailspin of depression and darkness.  Will he be strong enough to fight or will he be dragged down into the darkest depths?
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Judd Ryder & TK Strand, Owen Strand & TK Strand, Team Dynamics - Relationship
Comments: 9
Kudos: 109





	The Darkest Depths

**Author's Note:**

> Tarlos is my latest obsession that I'm writing for. TK Strand is my baby I love to torture and it was time to explore a little bit. This was inspired by Grey's anatomy that I am rewatching for the millionth time. Meredith falls off the side of the pier and gives up fighting to swim after her mom tears her apart and tells her she is ordinary. She knows how to swim, and yet she fails to see the point in continuing to fight. I saw an opportunity and took it. I personally don't paint TK's mom in a good light so I'm sorry if you disagree with that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this small fic Happy reading :)

“TK, can you stay a minute?” The young firefighter turned on his heel at his father’s voice and made his way up the stairs two at a time to approach the glass encased office. The flash of anxiety would never fail to hit when his father asked him into his office. It had been a good day on the job, no losses and every success. He hadn’t had a problem on any calls or taken any risks deemed unnecessary. Despite knowing it had been a smooth day, TK couldn’t help thinking for a moment that he was in trouble. The look on his father’s face didn’t help this fear as TK took in the pinched skin by his eyes and his lingering frown. 

“What’s up? Everything okay?” TK asked as he slowly sat in one of the vacant chairs in front of the desk. His father hesitated and that alone made TK’s nerve skyrocket. His father didn’t hesitate about anything. He only hesitated when it was bad news or when it had to do with-

“Your mother is coming to town.” His father looked like he had swallowed something sour and while TK was glad it wasn’t detrimental news he still wasn’t thrilled about this impromptu visit. 

“To Austin? For how long?” His shoulders slumped and he was already gearing up for a miserable dinner or two with both of his parents. 

“For a weekend. She wants to have dinner with us. She wants to make sure this is an okay life for you after the shooting and all.” It was always amazing how bitter his father sounded when he spoke of his ex-wife sometimes. Particularly when said ex was coming to check up on them. To see if Owen could provide for him properly after she left. 

“Does she mean to act like I’m a kid still?” TK grumbled as he watched his father slump into the chair behind his desk. “Does she realize I'm an adult and I can choose a life for myself? She acts like she has a right to examine my life after she’s the one that left it.”

“Now, she is still your mother and she cares for you very much,” The familiar lecture came up and it seemed like no matter how much time went by or how often TK was hurt he was still required to respect the woman who gave birth to him. He had fond memories with his mother when he was a kid, but that didn’t change the sting of when she left when he was nine. She chased a career ladder higher than he could join her for and now she was a top prosecutor in upstate New York. “I’m going to set us up to have dinner at the house Saturday night, alright? We’re both off that weekend and we can have a nice night in. I would say bring Carlos but…”

“It’s likely not going to stay civil,” TK finished for him and felt a little bad as his father cringed.

“I wish that wasn’t the case, but she likes to hit nerves. Maybe you could introduce her to Carlos on Sunday before she leaves? I know she would want to meet him.”

“And interrogate him on his life choices and how he’s treating me?” TK rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. “We’ll see how dinner goes first. I’ll gage what sort of mood she’s in. I promise I’ll iron a shirt and seem somewhat put together, okay?”

“I’m sorry this is hard for you,” His father apologized and TK could see the guilt in his clear eyes. “I know dinners with both of us isn’t your favorite. I will do my best to steer things in a civil direction. She doesn’t know about your latest overdose and I promise it will stay that way.”

“I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t pulled any and all hospital records for the last year,” TK sighed and got to his feet. “I gotta head out for dinner with Carlos. Mom will be mom and then she’ll be gone again and we can get back to normal. I’m not too worried about it, but thanks for the heads up. Making vegan lasagna?”

“It’s the only vegan dish she likes so yeah,” His father pulled him into a fond hug before sending him out the door. 

It took him under twenty minutes to get home, but TK couldn’t remember one minute of his drive to the place that most felt like home in Austin. He was trying not to make this visit a big deal, but he couldn’t dread the questioning and examining and somehow he knew his mom knew more than what his dad had told her. She had a lot of pull in New York and somehow she probably knew he had overdosed six months ago and coupled with getting shot she was coming around to tell them both what a mess they were making of things. Her visits weren’t light, especially on such short notice. 

“Something wrong with dinner?” Carlos asked him after they had sat in silence for most of their shared meal. TK shook himself out of memories and assumptions and realized he hadn’t eaten much of the steak and potatoes Carlos had made for them. 

“No, it’s good I’m sorry,” TK ate a bite of his cold meal and chewed thoughtfully. “My mom is coming for a visit this weekend.”

“That’s big,” Carlos remarked and it was funny how even he knew how out of the ordinary this was. “She on a business trip out here?”

“She’s coming to evaluate my life since I got shot,” TK sighed and went back to pushing around his food. “Which means she’s going to come out here and criticize anything she can and make us seem like we’re doing everything wrong. She hates that I”m a firefighter like my dad, always has. She thinks it’s too dangerous and too consuming of a career.”

“Most parents are pretty proud of first responders,” Carlos frowned and reached to put a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry she makes you feel bad about something undeniably heroic. Does she know how much you love it and how good you are at your job?”

“That would probably make her more bitter and angry,” TK felt his stomach twist and already knew he would be lucky to manage half of this huge meal. “She’s not an easy woman to please. She has opinions and never would accept that maybe she’s wrong. She hated how my dad chose the firehouse over our family a lot after the towers fell. He was at work more than he was home for months. She ended up leaving us less than a year after that and she has always parented from afar since then. I chose dad in the divorce and ever since I’ve followed in his footsteps. It’s driven her crazy and she’s never approved. Plus I turned out gay, and while she won’t say it I know it disappointed her. It’s complicated where she’s concerned.”

“That’s a lot going on,” Carlos had put his full attention on him now, and TK felt bad he was soiling another meal. 

“It’s okay, really. It’s just a weekend and then she’ll go back to New York. I’ll be fine. I know she loves me, strong opinions aside.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “She may want to meet you. If you’re okay with that.”

“I would be happy to meet her if that’s what you want,” Carlos rested a hand on his back and rubbed gentle circles. “You’re a good man Tyler, and she can see that. Anyone with half a brain could see that. It’s just for a weekend.”

“A very long weekend,” TK echoed as he leaned into Carlos’s touch. How much damage could be done in one weekend?

~~~~~

The rental car pulled into their driveway and TK bit his lip, feeling ten years younger suddenly and back in high school all over again. He hadn’t seen his mother in almost a year and he hadn’t been eager to reunite. He loved her, but not so much when his dad was around at the same time. They had gotten less civil as time had gone by, starting with his dad’s second wife and not improving even after the second divorce. 

“You good?” HIs dad put a hand on his shoulder as they both watched her finish up a phone call while in the car. Truthfully he felt like he could be sick at any moment, but he could get through another dinner and only hope she knew nothing more than what they told her. 

“I’ll be fine,’ TK felt like he had said that countless times since learning she was coming. “You got the wine ready?”

“Funny,” Owen said dryly with a roll of his eyes. 

“You think I’m joking, but there’s no way you two are getting through this without it.” 

“ We’ll get through this, kid.” They both watched as Gwynth got off the phone and out of the car. She was dressed casually in jeans and a blouse and to the observer she seemed perfectly harmless. She seemed like any other mother coming home for dinner with her family. 

“I’ll get the door,” TK headed toward the door, a small part of him glad to see his mother after his near death experience. They may not agree on everything, but she was still his mother and he would have hated to never see her again. 

“Hi mom,” TK said, swinging the door open wide and bringing her into his arms gently. 

“My baby boy,” She said softly as she pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “It’s good to see you standing on your own two feet. You need to stop having these injuries TK, you’ll make my heart stop one of these times.”

“I’ll try I promise,” TK ushered her inside and waited for the sniping to begin. His parents tried to be civil for his sake, but it was safe to say it didn’t always work. They had three courses to get through together and then hopefully not be all in the same room for another year. 

The salad and lasagna went off without too many problems. There was the usual amount of sarcasm and sniping around, but nothing unusual. His mom made the usual comments about his job and his choice to move at all from New York, but if that was all she was here to gripe about TK was grateful. 

“I think we lost TK to fantasies about his boyfriend,” Owen teased as he noticed TK zoning out by the time they were having some pie for dessert.

“Are you seeing someone?” His mother’s interest was piqued now and TK felt himself blushing before he even answered the question. 

“Uh, yeah his name is Carlos,” TK glanced between the two of them. “It’s a pretty recent thing, but he’s really great. Better than I could ask for.”

“Let’s just hope he’s fine with never seeing you and having your life at risk constantly. Not to mention never settling down.” Gwynth’s comments came off as harmless, but it felt like glass pricking his skin and digging deeper.

“Gwynth,” Owen said warningly. “You need to quit.”

“What?” His mother said as if there was nothing wrong with her assumptions. “You both insist that TK can make all his own choices and his choices sum up to never being home and constantly being in and out of hospitals. We both know TK isn’t really the type to settle down.”

“I asked Alex to marry me,” TK said stiffly, the reminder nearly gutting him. He hated to bring up Alex, but he couldn’t just let that comment lie. “I am perfectly capable of settling down when the guy isn’t cheating on me, Mom.”

“How do you expect to settle down with this career you’ve chosen? Do you really think it’s fair to put a spouse through what your father made me go through? All you two have talked about tonight is your new team at the firehouse. The two of you will never change from obsessing about your jobs. Who would ever be okay with that kind of life?”

“Carlos is a police officer,” TK said quietly, her words echoing in his head and he hated the doubts that were rising within him. Did he have a right to ask Carlos for that kind of life with him? He already had enough reasons to leave, but would that be one of them? “He understands the hours of the job.”

“You plan on settling down with someone else who is never home? How is that going to be a life for a kid? Doesn’t that strike you as selfish? TK, darling, you need to think a little with that pretty little head. If your father has taught you anything, I hoped it would be that this lifestyle isn’t good for a family. Don’t you remember how he left us constantly when you were a kid?”

“I didn’t leave,’ Owen protested with his eyes full of worry as he gazed over at TK. “If the towers hadn’t fallen it would have been different. TK and I have always had a great relationship, even with my unsuitable career as you would put it Gwen.”

“I know you think I’ve chosen everything wrong,” TK said quietly as he gazed down at the half-eaten pie on his plate. 

“I don’t,” Gwenyth protested as she leaned forward earnestly. “But you can’t pretend like this life is the best for you. You’ve been in the hospital shot after only being in Austin a few months and that’s not even talking about all the visits last year from injuries. Not to mention your little overdose.”

It felt like wind was roaring in his ears as TK felt his extremities go numb when she brought up the worst moment of his life. He had known she would dig it up, but still a part of him hoped she didn’t know. This was one thing he couldn’t handle being thrown in his face. 

“How could you bring that up?” Owen hissed as TK struggled to breathe let alone find words to respond with. “How do you even know about that? Why are you digging up his records?”

“Well, Owen, if you would just bear to be honest with me I wouldn’t have to. I just had his hospital records pulled and I assumed I wouldn’t be finding any surprises. An overdose and neither of you thought to tell me?” His mother was livid and it was clear this was what she had really wanted to get to. 

“I had it handled!” His father’s voice started to rise and TK felt his hands start to shake. “It was nothing more than an accident. He’s going to meetings and going to therapy sessions. I can take care of my son without your help.”

“An accident? Is that what he told you it was? He’s been using since he was fifteen and you think he could overdose by accident? Please tell me you’re joking, Owen.” Gwenyth’s words were like out of his own personal horror movie. Not only did she know about the overdose, she wasn’t about to buy that it was an accident. Truthfully TK didn’t know if he had meant to kill himself that night after Alex had revealed his infidelity. He hadn’t lied when his father had asked, but now he wasn’t entirely sure it had been the truth. He had known he was taking a few too many pills. He hadn’t assumed it would kill him necessarily, but he couldn’t say he would have cared at the time if it had. It had been a year since that horrible day and his life had improved in each and every way. Carlos was responsible for a lot of the happiness he had in his life now. He was the most amazing boyfriend TK could ask for, but sometimes he really doubted he deserved someone that amazing. 

“I have to go,” TK got out between numb lips, knowing he had to go find Carlos before his panicked brain made him do anything stupid. This dinner was too much for him to handle. Normally dinner with his mom was mildly unpleasant, but this time she had come to draw blood. He knew most of it was directed towards his dad’s parenting, but it still hurt when it was about something that personal. “I’m sorry Mom, but I need to go. It was good to see you.”

Both of his parents called after him, but nothing could stop him from grabbing his jacket and stumbling outside his dad’s house, gulping in the fresh air like he was a drowning man. That house felt suffocating with the two of them once again going at it with him in the middle of their arguing. It brought up bad memories of their divorce when he was younger. He hated them arguing, always had. 

He pulled out his phone and pressed his latest call to hold to his ear. Carlos was always top of his recent calls list and today was no exception. It didn’t take long before Carlos answered, barely finished with his shift for the day but TK knew he was off tomorrow with him. 

“C-come get me,” TK stuttered over the line with his entire body shaking and his mind whirling in a million directions. His mother’s screaming disapproval echoed around him and her accusation that he tried to kill himself acted like a noose. “Please, please, come.”

“Baby, tell me where you are,” Carlos’s soft voice urged him from the other end. “Are you still at your dad’s house?”

“I’ll meet you at the station,” TK forced himself to focus enough that he realized he had started walking in the direction of his second home without realizing. “I couldn’t stay there. I had to get away.”

“I’ll be right there, okay?” Carlos soothed him as best as he could over the phone. “Deep breaths for me, okay Tiger? It’s going to be okay.”

“It was awful,” TK said tearfully as he curled up on the front steps of his favorite place in Austin other than Carlos’s house. “It was like she picked me apart slowly and thoroughly with no regard for my feelings. She wanted to hurt my dad and shredded me apart in the process.” He let out a sob and barely heard Carlos swear softly before trying to comfort him as best he could over the line while he raced to get there.

They were silent until the crunch of gravel told TK his boyfriend had arrived not a minute too late. He shakily pressed the red phone at the bottom of the screen and curled into himself to sob softly. Carlos didn’t waste a moment to fling open his door and kneel next to him and wrap his arms around him. “Shh, carino, I”m here now. I’m so sorry she was awful to you. It’s okay, love.”

“She doesn’t think we’re gonna m-make it,” TK sobbed out against Carlos’s shoulder. “She doesn’t think I can have a family. She thinks I chose everything w-wrong in my life. She can never be p-proud of me.”

“She doesn’t know you, amor,” Carlos told him with a kiss to his head. “She doesn’t know us. Let’s get you home and in a warm shower, okay? We have all day tomorrow to ignore everyone else. Let me take you home.”

TK curled against the door as he let Carlos buckle him into the passenger seat as he felt like he was drowning in something dark and awful that had been opened by his mother. It was starting to rain and the sound was soothing as he closed his eyes and tried his best to stop crying. It wasn’t new what his mother said, none of it. Lately, however, he had been having so many doubts about himself as the one year anniversary of his overdose came up. He had been starting to feel numb again even with Carlos as his loving boyfriend and having the most amazing team at work. He had thought that the numbness would fade once he could find happiness. He thought happiness was really something you sought after, but he was finding that happiness continued to slip away from him. 

“You ready to come inside?” TK blinked to see Carlos in front of him crouched next to the open car door as rain drizzled down on him, making the curls he loved appear. He shook himself and slowly undid the seatbelt as he felt a blush rise to his face. 

“Do you think I’m overreacting? Plenty of moms say stupid shit and not everyone acts like...this.” TK stands and it feels as if his shoulders are weighed down with bricks. 

“I don’t know much about your mom,” Carlos said slowly as he took his hand and lead them inside. The door closed and TK already felt safer behind it than he did out there. TK felt at home here in more ways than just a place to sleep. He felt safe here and protected by the man at his side. “I think this is different because she left you. You want to please her and that’s perfectly normal. She isn’t around so you feel like you want to please her from afar and when it doesn’t work you feel like you failed.”

“I just wish she could say she was proud of me,” TK wipes tears away only for them to be replaced moments later. He felt miserable and angry and while it was better than the empty numbness it wasn’t pleasant. “Would it kill her to acknowledge that i’ve survived a lot for being under the age of thirty? Then after never being around she thinks she has the right to snoop around and pull up my overdose to throw that in my face over dinner? Does she think it doesn’t make me feel anything to think about that day?”

“She didn’t have a right to do that,” Carlos agreed quietly as TK paced around the living room running his hands through his hair repeatedly. “That was an invasion of privacy.”

“Ever since she left everything is about her failed relationship with my father,” TK ranted. “My entire life has been about their divorce. I chose the wrong parent to live with when I was younger. I didn’t make the right kind of grades in high school like my father. I went to fire academy and she didn’t even come to the graduation. She didn’t so much as send a card saying she was proud of me for something I wanted to do. She never bothers to show up when I’m injured on the job. She just talks to all my doctors and pulls my files before yelling at me about my career choices.” He had started crying some time during this rant while Carlos sat on the couch silently watching him. “Then I tell her I’m with someone I really like and all she can do is tell me about how I chose the wrong person and how I am going to be a horrible father and a horrible partner. How I can’t have a family because of my career. Where does she get off judging me on a life she’s never wanted to take a part in? She claims she’s here to see me after I got shot, but really she’s only here to judge everything about my life and try to talk me out of doing what I love for the millionth time.”

“Okay, take it easy Ty,” Carlos stood up to stop his pacing that had gotten faster and faster while he talked. “One weekend and she’s gone, remember? You’re right that she doesn’t have a right to judge your choices when she doesn't want to be a part of them. You’re right to feel hurt and angry and upset, okay? I just hate to see you cry like this.”

“I need a shower,” TK muttered, knowing he was reacting badly to something he had even admitted was temporary, but the words cut deep. He was so tired of feeling not good enough no matter how many lives he saved. He was tired of the struggle to get up every morning and act like that day was going to be better than any of the others. He was supposed to feel happy at some point. He was supposed to find it when he found Carlos, but that simply wasn’t true. The honeymoon phase was over for them and now it was back to the struggle. He had thought the overdose had to do with Alex, but honestly it was so much more than the break up. He had never felt good enough for anyone, even his own expectations. 

He scrubbed at his skin harshly under the hot spray of water, trying to scrub away the way his mother’s criticisms seemed to crawl on his skin. Scrubbing away all his imperfections, but there were so many that he wasn’t sure what was left. His mother had always thought he was rather airheaded and couldn’t think for himself. She thought he was unsuitable to have a family. She knew about the overdose and how weak did that make him to her? She saw straight through him. She knew he had tried to take his own life and couldn’t even do that properly. Now he was dragging Carlos through his problems and making him take care of the damaged person that was left. Nobody deserved the task of picking up his pieces and he truly wished he cared enough to do it for himself. He didn’t think he was worth the effort. 

He shuffled from the shower into bed with skin that was far too red and Carlos looked at him in concern over top of his book. TK avoided his eyes and tried to hide the flinch as his sensitive skin came in contact with the sheets. He flopped down onto the pillow and tried to prepare himself for a sleepless night next to a man nobody thought he deserved. 

“Give me your arm,” Carlos’s voice was soft, but firm enough to hold no argument. TK glanced over to see he had pulled out a bottle of lotion from his nightstand. 

“You don’t have to take care of me,” TK mumbled but gave over his red arm anyways.

“I get to take care of you,” Carlos told him with a gentle smile. “Especially when you can’t. It’s just some lotion, okay?”

TK was silent as he let Carlos massage the smooth lotion into his abused skin. How long before the darkness consumed him this time and even Carlos couldn’t save him?


End file.
